A Breath of Space

Let me start by saying, I’m not a big fan of qualifiers or qualifying statements. I’m not here to prove my worth, brag about what I’ve been through and say “YOU can to!”. What I do want to do is share my experience. I have found that in my life, anxiety, anxiousness, and depression are sometimes a very present feeling.

I have also found that when I enter these states, I get “running thoughts”. Ideas, worries, thoughts about how to outmaneuver my impending doom that has no real rooting in reality. I’ve grappled with this imperfection most of my life, and sought treatment for it.

Traditional talk therapy, prescription drugs, not prescribed drugs, just drugs in general, alcohol, pot, retreats, religion, spirituality, and the list can really grow if I challenged myself to look at my unconscious behaviors and actions. For me, a thorough examination of why I do the things I do, feel the way I feel, and how I react to my environment provides valuable insight on how I can step into awareness in the moment and gently guide myself to better outcomes.

What’s not talked about, is that for me, when these feelings are very present, it’s difficult if not impossible to take a step back from the closeness of these feelings, thoughts and emotions. This makes asking for help and receiving help in these moments difficult for me.

When I started my breathing journey, I was looking to step into awareness when I was having those reactions I felt I could not control, and worse, I felt my body react to. Increased heart rate, shallower breathing, tightness and tension throughout the body, restlessness.

At first, I approached it more as a meditative practice because that’s where my exposure to breath work had been. Bhuddist meditation in particular. I looked inward while breathing and tried to calm my mind, forcing it to stop thinking. After finding the practice enjoyable, I added it to more of a daily routine and started making goals for myself.

My first, was obviously to hold my breath for the minute and a half that most recordings I had at the time aimed for. To do this though, I started to understand that for me to be successful, I needed to focus on something different.

“Breathe out, step in to your own awareness and slow your heart rate down.” That was the challenge I had out before me. The recordings, by a breath coach and master instructor Chuck McGee the third, slowly started to turn my inward facing practice on its head.

Instead of telling my brain to calm down, I instead started to see how far I could relax my body during breathing. I started not clenching my jaw as much (you do this breathing more than you think) I tried to not flair my neck, keeping better body posture while doing breath work and loosening my hands and feet. During holds, I made myself aware of my heart rate, and slowly through awareness, was able to slow it down.

As a strange side effect, when I gave myself over to paying attention to what was happening in my body, my brain calmed itself down. Turns out, there’s a whole physical science behind this, and that is for another post. This is about what’s changed in me.

I still have anxiety, I still have unhelpful thoughts and bad days. However, I now have the tools and awareness to breathe through much of what my mind makes run. I feel my heart rate slow. I relax my jaw, I feel the tension go. I am able to connect with my body. Tell it through my slow exhale that we are in no danger. All is right, we are connected. I bring myself to the present moment, and that is the gift that my breathing keeps giving me. Here. Right now, this moment, the present.